Complicated emotions & thoughts; Welcome to my life.

–  I decided to throw my emotions into a document and this what I’ve come up with, its really hard for me to explain myself anymore with all these things I am feeling while being weened off an anti-depressant and going into hospital programs that have opened my mind to the past that I thought I worked so hard to “ignore”, well ignoring it didn’t work. Enjoy xox. –
I don’t know how to feel anymore
because my heart feels empty everyday
 I pray to the universe above to show me the way
but why does this road keep turning into a dead end
I don’t think I know exactly where my emotions lay anymore and I can’t lie
I’ve thought about dying every day
how does one take someone they love saying they felt like dying everyday of their life
because they’ve always felt misunderstood
Went through all these things I never really realized damaged me
does dealing with this illness make me damaged goods to any of you
because I look at you, and I wonder why you like me and I think that I am not deserving of this, everyday is a struggle with the emotions I feel,
because I suffer from an illness so many misunderstand
not only do others misunderstand me, I don’t even understand myself
I get told I seem normal and nothings wrong with me but what do they know
have you been in my shoes all my life, trying to end my life every night with a razor to my wrist because I couldn’t take the thoughts, couldn’t take the emotions I didn’t understand and then I grew up and put myself in risky situations, loving someone that loved to hurt me even without realizing it, and now I think back about my life and realize all the shit that happened and why I am where I am now
This doesn’t make me a weak person but I’ve put up with more shit than I wish I could ever explain and these doctors looking at me with sore eyes for all this pain that I’ve always felt.
I had taught myself to forget and ignore what I felt by doing anything to drown it, I didn’t learn then and now I’ve had to learn the hard way with getting older just what I did by ignoring every emotions I once felt. Sometimes I feel crazy like I don’t belong , but I’m fighting, fighting every day to control every emotion I feel in less than 24 hours.
One day I will learn to control this illness better and I will stand on top to show that anyone else can fight this just like I am everyday, because no matter what illness we struggle with it can only make us a 1000x more stronger at the end of our life.
– ” I fight everyday to try & stay as positive as I can, & I will never give up but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel these things I do.”

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