Have you ever sat here, and wondered what it’s like to feel depression, sadness, anxiety, just to know what someone in your life feels because you want to be able to connect on the same page? because this is where I begin to tell you that every emotion I feel is an emotion that you maybe don’t want to feel, and maybe that scares you because you just don’t know what its like to be in someone else’s shoe’s that has.
I have lived a life where I knew I was diagnosed with what I have, but it took me years upon those to really accept that I had this illness that I just couldn’t ignore it because it effected my everyday life. I have struggles everyday where I can’t properly connect with another human based on their own emotions and struggles because I always feel my struggles have been far worse, fighting everyday to hold it together and I am so grateful I have the friends and family I do because without them I would just be all alone in this.
Sometimes it’s hard to explain what I’ve been through or how I’ve felt, and last night I broke down to one of my best friends about finding my uncle dead and it was one of the hardest things to do because never have I really opened that much to explain how I felt right in that moment, or how hard it was to find my uncle dead & blue and how it still haunts my dreams almost daily because I kept blaming myself for not saving him.
When you are diagnosed with a personality disorder things seem to get complicated, you start to blame yourself and the disorder and you almost feel unsure how to deal with it properly because you have no one that really understands you. Lets get this straight, my emotions are more intense than yours, my minds thoughts are more wild than yours, my reactions can be more intense than yours and maybe you just don’t understand that, and that’s okay because that’s normal, who really knows how to deal with a personality disorder? really no one does, but it takes patience and a very understanding mind to get where I am coming from, all I can hope is that with time that more around me, or more in this world will slowly understand what it takes to understand someone “like me” if you will. I am not so different from you, I just feel things more intensely than you, and that’s how my disorder is.
Have you ever been in a fight with me? Have you ever had a passionate conversation with me? have you felt how much my heart pours into these areas? because if you have ever had to go through this with me you will know that I put 100% of my heart into it, it’s hard to explain how much pain my heart can feel because of Borderline Personality Disorder, but my heart has hurt so badly that sometimes I wish I could just stab myself and take it out of me because I don’t want to feel anymore, and when you feel that deeply about anything it makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with me, I feel more than you do, and I am more sensitive than you probably ever will be, be that’s what makes me, don’t judge me for it but embrace me for the fact I will probably love you more than anyone else will.
Please check out the video below to get a more of a understanding behind BPD.