Good Day Everyone, right now I am currently almost done in Week 6 of my treatment at the Health Science Center here in Winnipeg, Manitoba and I just wanted to write a quick blog post, not really an update but something that has been happening for the past few weeks. Enjoy xo
The vivid & graphic nightmares of relapsing leave me feeling ashamed & scared that maybe it is more than just a dream. I wake up in a panic, sometimes sweating profusely and then for some reason I once again feel like a failure from struggling so long and some days being hard than others, I know inside it was just another terrible nightmare but they seem to keep happening, but they leave me feeling as if maybe I won’t over come this eating disorder, and I will just forever be sick and isolate myself from the rest. that is the scariest thought and feeling I’ve ever personally felt.
I know recovery is possible, I know it is for everyone thats fighting everyday for their life back, but the way I feel after these dreams hurt because I am ready to divorce “ED” (Eating Disorder). After my treatmeant when I am done at the end of August I know I will still have to fight everyday for a good year or two after, continune my mechnical eating and use everything I’ve been learning in the groups at HSC, but then I sometimes get those thoughts of “what if”, it scares me every day.
If you have ever had to fight back for your life from an addiction of any kind, did nightmares like this happen to you?
Somehow, Someway I will eventually not allow these dreams to make me feel the way I do.