I am sick and tired of hiding, I can’t hide almost 13 years of lies anymore, do you know what it’s like to have a completely seperate life from the one you are portraying to the world? probably not, because you are not sick like me, and I am SICK of being sick.
My name is Kendra, and for 13 years I have been dealing with bulimia and anorexia and my god has it killed me in so many ways. It all began as a teenager when I was just to disgusting and ugly for everyone else around me at school, and I remember being told I was just a “Fat ass ugly bitch”, I was told to just throw out my food because I shouldn’t be eating anymore, and my god was that the worst time of my life, worse than losing the love of my life, I don’t want to blame all my highschool bullies for an issue that has been so big and controlling over my life but its where it all began.
I remember being about 15 years old and around 140 pounds, the first time I stuck my fingers down my throat crying at the toilet telling myself I am nothing unless I’m skinny and to societys standards of beauty, you know I went from 140lbs to 110lbs within a good 2 months and I am fairly certain my parents knew exactly what was going on but didn’t really want to deal with the realization that their daughter was torturing herself with the thoughts of being skinny minnie like i once was as a kid, the days when i was told I had a hollow leg was no more and finally it all caught on.
I am now almost 27 years old and I have been in hospital once for these exact same issues, and you know what happen, I lied to everyone, I put on the tough armour and acted like I could beat this and fight this but within in a month of being let out of program i relapsed and started on the same path where I use this sickness as a control, because when I can’t control anything else in my life I can at least control my own weight but the sad thing is I keep losing weight everyday and I am getting weaker and more sick as the days come, do you know what its like to wake up in the morning and not even be able to get yourself out of bed because your body is lacking so many nutrients that it needs to create the energy to move? I would assume you don’t unless you are sick with something and I would never wish these feelings upon anyone because its horrible.
I decided it was best to write this blog because I will be going back into hospital by April 2015 and I am sick of hiding and the world needs to know my story because if the world doesn’t know I may relaspe again, and I will need all the support I can get even if its just blogging my experince to recovery, I can’t promise that I will be fixed in a day, a month, a year but I can promise I will fight for my life everyday that I wake up, and if i slip up and make a mistake I can’t be expected to apologize but you can expect me to grab that bull by the horns and keep riding it till the day I die, because if I dont get better now I will die from this and that is a sad, blunt reality but people need to know that this disease does kill and you’d be suprised how many men & women around you deal with the daily struggle of trying to meet up to societys standard of beauty.
Final Word: I wrote this not for you, I wrote this for me, but I did write it for you to read, for you to know who I am, and that I am not going to allow “ED” (eating disorder) to steal my life anymore, I wrote this because I need to be honest with the world and myself because that is a step to recovery. I hope you will be there for me and understand my pain and struggle, we can only better ourselves when finally admit to everything thats wrong. I am done with the demons inside me and I am ready to get better.